A single guy, who was obviously eager to figure out the secret to discovering romance, recently asked me this question, “What do women want in a man?” He actually wanted me to help him with this research project by asking some of the young ladies in our church’s singles group to provide some insight. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this question. I’ve spent a good portion of my ministry life working with young singles and this question, and other questions like it, comes with the job not only from the men but often the women as well.

Let me explain why I think this is a terrible question. Although I could spend equal time on both sides of this issue, I’m going to target my efforts toward men, since men are still the primary drivers of romance, at least based on the models we see in Scripture.

There is no denying the “urge to merge” among young single adults. I believe God has hard-wired the desire for romance into humanity. Only in cases of major dysfunction is this romantic desire not there or in some way perverted. This desire drives men and women together as predictably as death and taxes.

In my experience with young singles, in the quest for romance there is a subtle insecurity that creeps in and becomes the basis of this terrible question. In the case from above, the man, filled with a desire for romance, is paralyzed by a fear of rejection, and he sets out to educate himself on women in a move of almost creepy self-protection. This self-protecting mentality undermines God’s best for romance. The result is essentially idolatry. Instead of asking the best question, “What does God want from me as a man,” he is choosing to place the burden on a woman to determine his approach and character. The scary part is considering what this guy or other guys might do if they learned what women want. Imagine the potential for manipulation and deceit. A man taking on a false persona to land a woman is a sick and frightening thing.

I understand the pain of rejection and dislike it as much as the next guy; however, if you claim to be Christian man then you must live by the standards of Scripture and the example of Jesus. If women want that kind of man, then you will have romance. If not, you may consider it suffering for Jesus. In the end, I think you will find, and I believe many women would agree, that a man who lives by conviction is far more attractive than the alternative. In those cases where women “just aren’t into you” as a Christian guy, take your rejection with class and stay committed to Jesus.

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